I Did Not Go to Law School So I Could Discuss My Clients' Underwear

In a recent article in the Washington Post, it was revealed that two men in detention at Guantanamo Bay were found to possess contraband in the form of Under Armour briefs, a specialized type of underwear commonly worn by the military. Concerned about this severe breach of policy, an attorney for the Navy contacted the detainees' attorneys, accusing the defense attorneys of smuggling in fancy underwear:

From: the Commander, JAGC, U.S. Navy,Staff Judge Advocate
To: Mr. Clive
Stafford-Smith, attorney
Date: Aug. 12, 2007
"Your client . . . was recently discovered to be wearing Under Armour briefs and a Speedo bathing suit. Neither item was issued to the detainee by JTF-Guantanamo personnel, nor did they enter the camp through regular mail . . . . We are investigating the matter to determine the origins of the above contraband and ensure that parties who may have been involved understand the seriousness of this transgression. . . . Such activities threaten the safety of the JTF-Guantanamo staff, the detainees, and visiting counsel. . . . We would like to know whether the contraband material, or any portion thereof, was provided by you, anyone else on your legal team . . . ."

And one defense attorney's response:

From: Mr. Clive Stafford Smith, attorney
To: the Commander, JAGC, U.S.
Navy, Staff Judge Advocate
Date: Aug. 29, 2007
"I will confess that I have never received such an extraordinary letter in my entire career. Knowing you as I do, I hope you understand that I do not attribute this allegation to you personally. Obviously, however, I take accusations that I may have committed a criminal act very seriously. . . . I also hope you understand my frustration at yet another unfounded accusation against lawyers who are simply trying to do their job - a job that involves legal briefs, not the other sort.

First, neither I, nor Mr. Katznelson [attorney for other detainee found with briefs], nor anyone else associated with us has had anything to do with smuggling ‘unmentionables’ into these men, nor would we ever do so.

Second, the idea that we could smuggle in underwear is farfetched. As you know, anything we take in is searched and there is a camera in the room when we visit the client. Does someone seriously suggest that Mr. Katznelson or I have been stripping off to deliver underpants to our clients?

I had never heard of ‘Under Armor briefs’ until you mentioned them, and my internet research has advanced my knowledge in two ways - first, Under Armour apparently sports a ‘U’ in its name, which is significant only because it helps with the research.

Second, and rather more important, this line of underpants are very popular among the military. . . . It would be worth checking whether this lingerie was purchased from the NEX [Navy Exchange store] there in GTMO, since the internet again leads one to suspect that the NEX would be purveyors of Under Armour . . . perhaps you might check the label to see whether these are ‘tactical’ underwear, as this is apparently something Under Armour has created specially for the military. . . . I don’t mean to say that it is an open and shut case proving that your military provided the underwear, as I understand that other people use Under Armour. One group I noticed on the web were the amateur weight lifters, who seem confused as to whether Under Armour give them a competitive advantage.

However, in the grand scheme of things, I would think we can all agree that the interrogators or military officers are more likely to have access to [the detainees]than the U.S. Amateur Power Lifting Association.

Ahh, yes. Years of advanced legal study and grueling law practice . . . put to good use researching millitary panties on the internet. Things like this make writing that student loan payment check every month totally worthwhile.