It is apparently Ms. PH month at HBO On Demand because they have five of my favorite pick-me-up movies available this month. I felt so honored and touched that I decided to make a list of my top 10 favorite pick-me-up movies. These are movies that, if I am surfing the channels on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon with nothing else to do, I will absolutely stop and watch them every time. They are also movies that make me laugh and movies that I quote randomly, usually at inappropriate times when no one has any clue what I am talking about.
The first five are on HBO On Demand right now and the rest are just my favorites. (And, for those of you who can't count, there are actually 12 movies on the list. I just couldn’t decide which ones to cut, so I included all of them.)
(1) Blue Streak - Martin Lawrence, Luke Wilson, Dave Chappelle. I really don’t know what it is about this movie that makes me love it so much. Could it be the dumbass cops who can’t figure out that Martin Lawrence isn’t actually a cop? Maybe. I also love Luke Wilson, so that could be the reason too. Who cares, really. I love it. Seen it like 25 times.
(2) Knocked Up - Seth Rogan, Katherine Heigl, Paul Rudd. If you think about it, the basic story of this movie is not all that funny. Nothing like a totally unplanned pregnancy resulting from a drunken one-night-stand to bring your mood down. However, the underlying humor in this movie is hysterical. One of my favorite parts is when Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd go to Vegas, eat some shrooms, and Paul Rudd obsesses about the number and type of chairs in the hotel room. I think about that every time I am in a hotel room and I find myself counting the number of different chairs. Oh, and this exchange: Dad: "Don’t ever do what they just did." Little Girl: "I’m gonna do it!!"
(3) The Last Supper - Cameron Diaz, Ron Eldard, Annabeth Gish. For those who don’t remember this movie, the basic premise is a bunch of liberal graduate students living in Iowa City together in a house. They decide they will invite people over whose views they do not agree with and kill them. Fantastic. Great for those days when the conservative wing nuts get you down.
(4) Never Been Kissed - Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Michael Vartan. How can you not love this movie? It is every unpopular girl’s dream come true. Plus, there are so many situations where you can use the quote, "What? I can grab a bull’s balls!!"
(5) The Truth about Cats and Dogs - Uma Thurman, Janeane Garofalo, Ben Chaplin. I may bear a passing resemblance to Uma Thurman (if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the side) because I am tall, blonde, and of Swedish descent, but I totally identify with Janeane Garofalo in this movie. Cat-owning, violin playing, socially-awkward dork who might threaten to shove her violin bow up a guy’s nose to scramble his brain if she was pushed hard enough. (I’ve totally grown out of that now . . . except for the cat-owning and violin playing. And probably the dork thing too.)
(6) Hudson Hawk - Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Andie MacDowell. Sure, it is a dumb-ass movie. It makes no logical sense. It has Bruce Willis in it both trying to be funny and singing. However, no matter how depressed I am, this movie will make me laugh every time. So, if you ever hear me say, "I must go talk to the dolphins now! Eeeee . . . Eeeee . . . Eeeee" or sing "Swinging on a Star" you will know why.
(7) Big Daddy - Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart, Joey Lauren Adams. This is by far the funniest quote movie ever. Ever. I can’t tell you the number of times I said, "But I wipe my own ass!" while potty-training my daughter. Appropriate? No. Funny? Hell, yes. That or "Hip . . . Hip . . Hip-hop-anonymous?" I am not ashamed to admit that I use some of the best parenting tips from that movie while raising my own kids.
(8) Galaxy Quest - Tim Allen, Alan Rickman, Sigourney Weaver. Oh, and Justin Long and Tony Shalub. Too funny for words, especially if you are the type of person who likes to make fun of Star Trek fans.
(9) Old School - Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell. Because of this movie, I am trying really hard to teach my daughter "EARMUFFS" so I can swear in front of her, but she isn’t buying it. For a long time, some friends and I would yell at each other when we were leaving, "YOU’RE MY BOY BLUE!" And just picturing Vince Vaughn smoking while attempting the ring exercise makes me giggle.
(10) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Justin Long. Hmm . . . it has just occurred to me that I might have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy. Anyway, when Rip Torn says, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a dodgeball!" and smacks Justin Long with a wrench, I can’t stand it. Too Damn Funny.
(11) Men in Black - Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Vincent D’Onofrio. I loved this movie from start to finish. I even wanted to name my next cat Orion because of this movie. But the best part of this movie (and a quote I use with some frequency in my professional life) is, "No Ma’am . . . we at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we are aware of." Classic.
(12) Office Space - Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, Gary Cole. Any person that does not find this movie funny needs to be shot in the head. They clearly have no sense of humor whatsoever and I have no use for them. Because of this movie, I also have a deep love of flair. I have flair on my facebook page. I collect random buttons. This weekend, I can be found wearing all of my flair at Julep’s Closet on my apron. And anytime I see the words "PC load letter," I want to kick the shit out of a printer.
Showing posts with label 10 Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10 Things. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
10 Things They Don’t Teach You in Law School, But Should
Someone asked me recently if, given the choice, I would attend law school again. Somedays, the answer is hell, no. Other days, I reflect on how much I love my job and say that I would, if law school itself was somewhat different. In a lot of ways, law school was merely a means to an end. I wanted a graduate degree, I wanted a professional degree, and I've got it. Do I spend time fondly reminiscing about the good times from law school? Absolutely not.
So, here are some of the harsh realities I learned only after leaving law school and actually practicing law:
(1) None of this really matters. Seriously. Most of the crap they teach in law school has absolutely nothing to do with the actual practice of law. I would say about 98% is completely irrelevant. Of all of the classes I took in law school, there is only one I use daily - Legal Research and Writing. And, since most of the "research" part was based on non-electronic paper book research, I don’t use much of that at all. (And, by the way, my worst grade in law school was in the class that taught the type of law I currently specialize in.)
(2) You will lose. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday, you will lose a case. And it will hurt. And it will be completely unfair. And the system will fail you and your client. There is no one in the history of the law who has won every single case. No matter how much you win or lose, you realize there is always a loser and sometimes, both parties lose.
(3) Real life is not the Socratic method. You don’t get to argue with everyone in real life. You don’t get to make your point in a clear and precise manner in a controlled environment. People won't always listen to you and take you seriously. In fact, you may be laughed at or ridiculed. Now that’s being a real lawyer.
(4) You have to payback those student loans. Now, sure . . . I probably knew somewhere in the back of my head that I would have to repay the money I was living off of in law school. However, there is nothing like receiving that first loan payment notice six months after graduation and realizing you could have purchased a nice starter home with the amount of money you owe for student loans plus interest. Right now, my student loan payment is the same amount as my mortgage payment. The education that keeps on educating.
(5) After five years, no one will give a flying fuck if you were on law review. Or graduated at the top of your class. Or won moot court. You want to know why? Because success at the actual profession is significantly more important than pretend success during the education for the profession.
(6) The only thing you have is your reputation. Believe it or not, it does matter what other people think of you. I have seen cases succeed and fail based on the judge’s impression of the lawyers involved. I have seen lawyers not receive high profile cases because of the perception that they are idiots. Watch that people. Ever hear of Sarah Weddington? After law school, she couldn't find a job to save her life. One male partner in a big law firm actually told her he didn't work with women lawyers. Many years later, after Weddington successfully argued Roe v. Wade, she sat on a judicial nominating commission. That male partner was one of the candidates for judicial appointment. Let's just say he didn't get the appointment. Lesson learned.
(7) Be nice to the little people. No, not midgets (unless you have a very specialized practice.) I’m talking about the non-lawyers in the room. Be nice to the court’s staff and to the members of the clerk’s office. I can’t tell you how many times law clerks, staff attorneys, clerks, and court reporters have done favors for me because I am nice to them. Being rude to a court reporter could cost you big time in the end. Need that transcript ASAP? If you’ve pissed off the court reporter, you might as well type that sucker yourself.
(8) Judges are people too. What they teach you in law school is that judges are somehow other-worldly - that they possess special powers of intellect and judgment. They teach you to always address a judge by "judge" or "your honor," even if you are in bed with them (Okay - only one professor told us that, but his wife was a judge, so . . . .) In reality, many judges are very smart and very fair minded. However, they are also real people with families, stress, bad hair days, and stains on their ties. Be respectful but you don’t have to genuflect for christ’s sake.
(9) Your clients will probably hate you. If you went into the practice of law because you thought it would be all about warm-fuzzies and "helping people," grow up. Some of these people need your help and will benefit from your help but will be completely ungrateful the entire time you are helping them. That's the thanks you get, every day. Because, in the end, when you can't blame anyone else, you can always blame your lawyer.
(10) How to tell people to fuck off nicely. Law schools need to teach people to negotiate and discuss problems calmly and like adults. Hanging up on people, calling other attorneys to tell them another attorney was "mean to you," and name calling is not professional. Get over yourselves and act like grown-ups.
So, here are some of the harsh realities I learned only after leaving law school and actually practicing law:
(1) None of this really matters. Seriously. Most of the crap they teach in law school has absolutely nothing to do with the actual practice of law. I would say about 98% is completely irrelevant. Of all of the classes I took in law school, there is only one I use daily - Legal Research and Writing. And, since most of the "research" part was based on non-electronic paper book research, I don’t use much of that at all. (And, by the way, my worst grade in law school was in the class that taught the type of law I currently specialize in.)
(2) You will lose. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday, you will lose a case. And it will hurt. And it will be completely unfair. And the system will fail you and your client. There is no one in the history of the law who has won every single case. No matter how much you win or lose, you realize there is always a loser and sometimes, both parties lose.
(3) Real life is not the Socratic method. You don’t get to argue with everyone in real life. You don’t get to make your point in a clear and precise manner in a controlled environment. People won't always listen to you and take you seriously. In fact, you may be laughed at or ridiculed. Now that’s being a real lawyer.
(4) You have to payback those student loans. Now, sure . . . I probably knew somewhere in the back of my head that I would have to repay the money I was living off of in law school. However, there is nothing like receiving that first loan payment notice six months after graduation and realizing you could have purchased a nice starter home with the amount of money you owe for student loans plus interest. Right now, my student loan payment is the same amount as my mortgage payment. The education that keeps on educating.
(5) After five years, no one will give a flying fuck if you were on law review. Or graduated at the top of your class. Or won moot court. You want to know why? Because success at the actual profession is significantly more important than pretend success during the education for the profession.
(6) The only thing you have is your reputation. Believe it or not, it does matter what other people think of you. I have seen cases succeed and fail based on the judge’s impression of the lawyers involved. I have seen lawyers not receive high profile cases because of the perception that they are idiots. Watch that people. Ever hear of Sarah Weddington? After law school, she couldn't find a job to save her life. One male partner in a big law firm actually told her he didn't work with women lawyers. Many years later, after Weddington successfully argued Roe v. Wade, she sat on a judicial nominating commission. That male partner was one of the candidates for judicial appointment. Let's just say he didn't get the appointment. Lesson learned.
(7) Be nice to the little people. No, not midgets (unless you have a very specialized practice.) I’m talking about the non-lawyers in the room. Be nice to the court’s staff and to the members of the clerk’s office. I can’t tell you how many times law clerks, staff attorneys, clerks, and court reporters have done favors for me because I am nice to them. Being rude to a court reporter could cost you big time in the end. Need that transcript ASAP? If you’ve pissed off the court reporter, you might as well type that sucker yourself.
(8) Judges are people too. What they teach you in law school is that judges are somehow other-worldly - that they possess special powers of intellect and judgment. They teach you to always address a judge by "judge" or "your honor," even if you are in bed with them (Okay - only one professor told us that, but his wife was a judge, so . . . .) In reality, many judges are very smart and very fair minded. However, they are also real people with families, stress, bad hair days, and stains on their ties. Be respectful but you don’t have to genuflect for christ’s sake.
(9) Your clients will probably hate you. If you went into the practice of law because you thought it would be all about warm-fuzzies and "helping people," grow up. Some of these people need your help and will benefit from your help but will be completely ungrateful the entire time you are helping them. That's the thanks you get, every day. Because, in the end, when you can't blame anyone else, you can always blame your lawyer.
(10) How to tell people to fuck off nicely. Law schools need to teach people to negotiate and discuss problems calmly and like adults. Hanging up on people, calling other attorneys to tell them another attorney was "mean to you," and name calling is not professional. Get over yourselves and act like grown-ups.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
10 Jobs I Would Love to Try . . .
. . . if I didn’t have these damn law school loans to repay.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I didn't decide to become a lawyer until after I graduated from college (although my parents will tell you I had been training for it all of my life.) Every once and while, I dream of doing something else . . . something more creative or that would allow me to move to Canada and support myself if this election goes the wrong way.
Here they are:
(1) Architect. I have always wanted to be an architect but I was kept down by "the man." Even when I was a little kid, I was building or drawing houses. Even now, I could study house plans for hours and hours and think about exactly what I would change about every room and every corner.
(2) Interpreter at the United Nations. And not because I love Nicole Kidman. I just always thought it would be really cool to be able to speak several languages and meet people from all over the world. I also would really like to know about all of the stuff they talk about at the U.N. I’ve always been nosey, and the U.N. is the perfect place to learn the big secrets. Plus, I like the idea of traveling in and out of the country every day for work.
(3) Book Store Owner. Not like the owner of a chain book store. More like the owner of a really cool independent book store with an independent coffee shop in it. It would be a place filled with dark woods, overstuffed furniture, and no mass-market paperbacks. I imagine myself reading all the time, shelving books, talking with intellectual customers about the latest Pulitzer Prize winning novel, and snobbishly laughing at the guy who just came in the store to ask for the latest Danielle Steele novel.
(4) Fashion Designer. I know, I know. You people who know me personally are probably thinking, WTF? Admittedly, I am not a fashion plate. But I always loved designing and sewing clothes for my Barbies so I think a career in haute couture is not so far-fetched. Too bad real people won’t let you shove pins into their empty rubber heads to keep their fancy hats on.
(5) Writer. OK, so I am really a writer in real life. But this is not the kind of writing I am envisioning when I say "I want to be a Writer." I mean the type of writer who has already written a best-seller so she could afford to live on an island in Puget Sound or on the Outer Banks and spend the next 10 years contemplating the next best seller. I picture days of walking on the beach, drinking coffee on the deck, shopping at the local farmer’s markets, drinking wine by candlelight, traveling to do "research" and . . . POP . . . out comes my next two million dollars in advances.
(6) Nurse. That’s a lie - I don’t really want to be a nurse. I deal enough with bodily fluids now in my real life. What is appealing about being a nurse is wearing scrubs to work. I can’t tell you how envious I am of those people who don’t have to make any clothing decisions in the morning other than "which pair of comfy pajama pants and shirt should I wear to work today?" No ironing, no suits, no high heels, no nylons, no fancy underwear required. Sounds like heaven to me. Too bad you have to deal with sick people. I hate sick people.
(7) Life Coach/Non-Sexual Dominatrix. Alright . . . before your imagination gets the better of you, what I really mean is someone who comes into someone else’s life and tells them in no uncertain terms what they need to do to make their lives better. I wouldn’t be one of those hand-holding life coaches. Oh, no. Quit yer bitching, stop the whining, and throw some shit out, literally and figuratively. I think everyone could use a good slap in the face every once and awhile. I would love to be paid to be the slapper.
(8) Pastry Chef. No explanation really needed here. Pastries are the most wonderful things ever . . . who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by them day after day?
(9) Brangelina’s Nanny. I was a nanny once. I enjoyed it. However, I always thought it would be super-exciting to be a nanny for a really famous person’s kids. You would get to do all of that traveling, see the world, live the life of a movie star without having to be in the focus of the cameras. Of course, you would probably have to do some really weird shit and end up raising six spoiled brats with limited input from their parents . . . but, seriously. Don’t they employ several other nannies too? In that case, I would want to be the head nanny.
(10) Reality TV Star a la Rachel Zoe or Kathy Griffin. I just want a camera crew to follow me around day after day and capture the seriously crazy shit that happens to me and record some of my more brilliant witizisms for posterity’s sake. I already know what my theme song would be . . . . Too bad I am such a private person. I don't suppose people would watch a reality TV show where the star's face was blacked out, along with her kids' faces, her family's faces, and all of her friends. What? I would let them show the dog and the cat.
I didn't think so.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I didn't decide to become a lawyer until after I graduated from college (although my parents will tell you I had been training for it all of my life.) Every once and while, I dream of doing something else . . . something more creative or that would allow me to move to Canada and support myself if this election goes the wrong way.
Here they are:
(1) Architect. I have always wanted to be an architect but I was kept down by "the man." Even when I was a little kid, I was building or drawing houses. Even now, I could study house plans for hours and hours and think about exactly what I would change about every room and every corner.
(2) Interpreter at the United Nations. And not because I love Nicole Kidman. I just always thought it would be really cool to be able to speak several languages and meet people from all over the world. I also would really like to know about all of the stuff they talk about at the U.N. I’ve always been nosey, and the U.N. is the perfect place to learn the big secrets. Plus, I like the idea of traveling in and out of the country every day for work.
(3) Book Store Owner. Not like the owner of a chain book store. More like the owner of a really cool independent book store with an independent coffee shop in it. It would be a place filled with dark woods, overstuffed furniture, and no mass-market paperbacks. I imagine myself reading all the time, shelving books, talking with intellectual customers about the latest Pulitzer Prize winning novel, and snobbishly laughing at the guy who just came in the store to ask for the latest Danielle Steele novel.
(4) Fashion Designer. I know, I know. You people who know me personally are probably thinking, WTF? Admittedly, I am not a fashion plate. But I always loved designing and sewing clothes for my Barbies so I think a career in haute couture is not so far-fetched. Too bad real people won’t let you shove pins into their empty rubber heads to keep their fancy hats on.
(5) Writer. OK, so I am really a writer in real life. But this is not the kind of writing I am envisioning when I say "I want to be a Writer." I mean the type of writer who has already written a best-seller so she could afford to live on an island in Puget Sound or on the Outer Banks and spend the next 10 years contemplating the next best seller. I picture days of walking on the beach, drinking coffee on the deck, shopping at the local farmer’s markets, drinking wine by candlelight, traveling to do "research" and . . . POP . . . out comes my next two million dollars in advances.
(6) Nurse. That’s a lie - I don’t really want to be a nurse. I deal enough with bodily fluids now in my real life. What is appealing about being a nurse is wearing scrubs to work. I can’t tell you how envious I am of those people who don’t have to make any clothing decisions in the morning other than "which pair of comfy pajama pants and shirt should I wear to work today?" No ironing, no suits, no high heels, no nylons, no fancy underwear required. Sounds like heaven to me. Too bad you have to deal with sick people. I hate sick people.
(7) Life Coach/Non-Sexual Dominatrix. Alright . . . before your imagination gets the better of you, what I really mean is someone who comes into someone else’s life and tells them in no uncertain terms what they need to do to make their lives better. I wouldn’t be one of those hand-holding life coaches. Oh, no. Quit yer bitching, stop the whining, and throw some shit out, literally and figuratively. I think everyone could use a good slap in the face every once and awhile. I would love to be paid to be the slapper.
(8) Pastry Chef. No explanation really needed here. Pastries are the most wonderful things ever . . . who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by them day after day?
(9) Brangelina’s Nanny. I was a nanny once. I enjoyed it. However, I always thought it would be super-exciting to be a nanny for a really famous person’s kids. You would get to do all of that traveling, see the world, live the life of a movie star without having to be in the focus of the cameras. Of course, you would probably have to do some really weird shit and end up raising six spoiled brats with limited input from their parents . . . but, seriously. Don’t they employ several other nannies too? In that case, I would want to be the head nanny.
(10) Reality TV Star a la Rachel Zoe or Kathy Griffin. I just want a camera crew to follow me around day after day and capture the seriously crazy shit that happens to me and record some of my more brilliant witizisms for posterity’s sake. I already know what my theme song would be . . . . Too bad I am such a private person. I don't suppose people would watch a reality TV show where the star's face was blacked out, along with her kids' faces, her family's faces, and all of her friends. What? I would let them show the dog and the cat.
I didn't think so.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
10 Things You Might Want to Know About My Vacation
I'm beginning to think I am a masochist. I just spent the last five days on yet another family "vacation." Yes, I mean "vacation" because it doesn't seem like a real vacation (sans quotes) if I come back more tired and pissed off than I was before I left. This the third such family "vacation" in a month. Man, it is a good thing I get along with my parents because they have been at each of these events as well.
But now I am ready for some alone time. I am not going anywhere for a very long time. I don't care that the holidays are coming up. I don't care that gas prices have come down. I don't care that airfare has come down. I don't want to leave home again. I don't even want to go to East Peoria. Anyway, here's the short summary of some of the events that occurred on my vacation. Expansion posts are forthcoming, but for now, this is just a teaser.
(1) Airport Security. In retrospect, I should have prepared my daughter ahead of time for airport security. This is because, when I asked her to remove her shoes at airport security, she asked, "Why?" In the rush and heat of the moment, I replied, "Because you might have something in them." To which she replied, at full volume, "I DO have something in my shoes, MAMA!" Let me tell you, the TSA has no sense of humor that I am aware of and now thinks my three year old daughter is the next Richard Reid.
(2) Rain. If you are enjoying the rain today, blame me. I brought it back from Seattle with me. It rained for five straight days on our "vacation." That being said, I still prefer the weather out there to the weather in the Midwest.
(3) 90 Year Old Mojo. Apparently, there was a room full of people at my grandfather's birthday party just waiting for the right word to describe my grandfather. Apparently, I provided it to them in my toast. After I spoke, I had to listen to a room full of other 80 and 90 year olds talk about my grandfather's Mojo. *Shudder*
(4) I Have a Step-Family, Who Knew? My grandfather and his wife got married eight years ago. His second marriage, her fourth. I sort of forgot that she has five kids, all of whom are married and have children. Technically, they are my step-family. In reality, they hate my family. No wonder I haven't thought about them for the last eight years.
(5) Happy Birthday x3. I understand singing Happy Birthday in English. I understand singing Happy Birthday in Swedish. What I do not understand is singing Happy Birthday in Dutch for the one Dutchman in the room. And it wasn't even his birthday. Dutch is not an intuitive language. Even though we had the words in front of us, it turned into a sad jumble of mumbling crap. FAIL.
(6) Airplane Etiquette. We did not have many friends on the airplane after my daughter yelled, "STOP THE BUS, I'M GOING TO THROW UP." In her defense, it is a phrase from a Fancy Nancy book and she wasn't referring to the airplane ride or her weak stomach. However, no one sitting around us knew that. The good news is they gave us lots of room during the trip.
(7) A Glimpse of My Future. I got a glimpse of my future and it wasn't pretty. My Aunt M. organized this entire party thing. And she was bossy, bossy, bossy, bossy. I was (not-so-kindly) reminded that I can be just like her when I plan an event. Like the recent family disaster in Galena. Crap. I've gotta learn to take a step back and stop telling people what to do. Yeah, right. I'll just stop telling them what to do in that shrew-like voice.
(8) Make-Up Lesson. I learned never to let my youngest cousin, who is 21 years old and majoring in theatrical make-up artistry, do my make-up for a party. At the end, she said, "OK, you are done. I could have done a lot better if I had my heavier concealer." Gee, thanks.
(9) Eligible Bachelor. Who knew I would meet an eligible bachelor at my grandfather's 90th birthday party? Very eligible, in fact - tall, handsome, well-dressed, well-educated, funny, under 50, and Swedish (like really Swedish - born in Sweden, lived there until 13 years ago and everything! I thought my parents were going to tie our hands together at the dinner table.) Too bad he lives thousands of miles away. Sigh . . . such is my life.
(10) My Brother and Sister-in-Law Suck. Again. Not only did they not come to the birthday party, they didn't send a card, flowers, or even a toast to be read, like my other cousins who couldn't be there did. Asshats.
But now I am ready for some alone time. I am not going anywhere for a very long time. I don't care that the holidays are coming up. I don't care that gas prices have come down. I don't care that airfare has come down. I don't want to leave home again. I don't even want to go to East Peoria. Anyway, here's the short summary of some of the events that occurred on my vacation. Expansion posts are forthcoming, but for now, this is just a teaser.
(1) Airport Security. In retrospect, I should have prepared my daughter ahead of time for airport security. This is because, when I asked her to remove her shoes at airport security, she asked, "Why?" In the rush and heat of the moment, I replied, "Because you might have something in them." To which she replied, at full volume, "I DO have something in my shoes, MAMA!" Let me tell you, the TSA has no sense of humor that I am aware of and now thinks my three year old daughter is the next Richard Reid.
(2) Rain. If you are enjoying the rain today, blame me. I brought it back from Seattle with me. It rained for five straight days on our "vacation." That being said, I still prefer the weather out there to the weather in the Midwest.
(3) 90 Year Old Mojo. Apparently, there was a room full of people at my grandfather's birthday party just waiting for the right word to describe my grandfather. Apparently, I provided it to them in my toast. After I spoke, I had to listen to a room full of other 80 and 90 year olds talk about my grandfather's Mojo. *Shudder*
(4) I Have a Step-Family, Who Knew? My grandfather and his wife got married eight years ago. His second marriage, her fourth. I sort of forgot that she has five kids, all of whom are married and have children. Technically, they are my step-family. In reality, they hate my family. No wonder I haven't thought about them for the last eight years.
(5) Happy Birthday x3. I understand singing Happy Birthday in English. I understand singing Happy Birthday in Swedish. What I do not understand is singing Happy Birthday in Dutch for the one Dutchman in the room. And it wasn't even his birthday. Dutch is not an intuitive language. Even though we had the words in front of us, it turned into a sad jumble of mumbling crap. FAIL.
(6) Airplane Etiquette. We did not have many friends on the airplane after my daughter yelled, "STOP THE BUS, I'M GOING TO THROW UP." In her defense, it is a phrase from a Fancy Nancy book and she wasn't referring to the airplane ride or her weak stomach. However, no one sitting around us knew that. The good news is they gave us lots of room during the trip.
(7) A Glimpse of My Future. I got a glimpse of my future and it wasn't pretty. My Aunt M. organized this entire party thing. And she was bossy, bossy, bossy, bossy. I was (not-so-kindly) reminded that I can be just like her when I plan an event. Like the recent family disaster in Galena. Crap. I've gotta learn to take a step back and stop telling people what to do. Yeah, right. I'll just stop telling them what to do in that shrew-like voice.
(8) Make-Up Lesson. I learned never to let my youngest cousin, who is 21 years old and majoring in theatrical make-up artistry, do my make-up for a party. At the end, she said, "OK, you are done. I could have done a lot better if I had my heavier concealer." Gee, thanks.
(9) Eligible Bachelor. Who knew I would meet an eligible bachelor at my grandfather's 90th birthday party? Very eligible, in fact - tall, handsome, well-dressed, well-educated, funny, under 50, and Swedish (like really Swedish - born in Sweden, lived there until 13 years ago and everything! I thought my parents were going to tie our hands together at the dinner table.) Too bad he lives thousands of miles away. Sigh . . . such is my life.
(10) My Brother and Sister-in-Law Suck. Again. Not only did they not come to the birthday party, they didn't send a card, flowers, or even a toast to be read, like my other cousins who couldn't be there did. Asshats.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
10 Ways to Survive (and Enjoy) a Trip to IKEA
I love IKEA. To me, it really is the happiest place on Earth. A secret dream of mine is to be locked (by myself) in IKEA for a week and be able to buy anything I want during that time. IKEA feels like home to me - not so much the actual store - but the store experience is so very Swedish. And, being half Swedish and half Danish, I feel like a bird coming home to roost after a long trip. From the smell of Swedish Meatballs and Lingonberry Jam in the restaurant, to the practical, inventive, and funky designs, it says "home" to me.
But IKEA is not for the faint of heart or soul. IKEA isn't easy - it makes you work for the love. IKEA sets high expectations of its customers and, if you hate IKEA, you just haven't met these high expectations. So, I have compiled a list of 10 ways to survive and enjoy your IKEA shopping experience. How I am qualified to make such a list, you may ask? I have visited a total of five IKEA stores (Los Angeles, Seattle, Minneapolis, and both in Chicago) and have consistently shopped at the stores for the last 10 years. So, heed my advice. Or suffer the consequences.
(1) Some assembly required. If these three words scare you, stay away from IKEA. Please. We don't want your kind. I personally think assembling my own furniture is a challenge and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment every time I build another bookcase or dresser or chair or table. I like that most of the furniture comes flat-packed. That means that those of us who choose not to own giant SUVs or pick-up trucks can still carry furniture in our cars. I have been known to fit quite a bit of stuff in my little four-door sedan, with plenty of room for more.
(2) Only attend during weekday hours. I cannot tell you how important this tip is. Never, ever, never, ever go to IKEA on the weekend or on a holiday. I almost always go on a Thursday. If you go on the weekend or on a holiday (even worse, a Saturday between Thanksgiving and Christmas), you are asking to be crushed in the mass of people entering the door. During one trip, my dad commented, "There are more goddamn people in this store than lived in my home town." (Of course, his hometown only had about 300 people, but still . . . that's a lot of people in one store.)
If you do choose to disobey this rule, you will suffer the consequences. For every hour you spend in IKEA on a weekend or holiday, it will take you two hours to decompress and become non-homicidal toward the GP (that's the General Public for those who have never worked retail.) I have a suspicion that most road rage incidents are directly linked to spending time in IKEA on the weekends.
And here's another tip - you can never just "pop in" to IKEA. No one pops into IKEA. The IKEA experience is one to be savored and enjoyed. It's not Target, for crying outside.
(3) Never go with a spouse. I don't care who you are . . . if you go to IKEA with your spouse, you will have a fight. I have never seen a couple in IKEA who weren't either actively fighting or stomping around glaring at each other. I personally like to shop alone or with one or two selected friends. And, before shopping with a friend, you should agree on your IKEA strategy and philosophy. If you don't agree, don't go to IKEA together.
Furthermore, even though IKEA is one of the most kid-friendly stores I have ever seen, do not bring your children. They won't enjoy it and you will hate them by the end of the day. IKEA has a children's play area called Smaland, allegedly where kids can play while their parents shop. I have my doubts. I think Smaland is actually the portion of the store that sells children in flat-pack boxes. I really believe that is what happens to children who enter the store with their parents. The parents can trade them in for a really nice end table, depending on how cute they are. Some kids may be worth an entire bedroom set.
(4) Enjoy the drive. No matter how far away you live from IKEA or how far you have to drive, you cannot get there from here without taking at least one wrong turn. Every IKEA I have ever been to is located in suburban hell. You can always see IKEA from the major highway, but you can never get there directly. One ill-fated trip to the IKEA in Los Angeles had my cousin and I yelling "Look kids, it's BIG BEN" for nearly 45 minutes because we kept circling in on the building, but never quite getting there.
The good news is that IKEA stores are bright blue and yellow and are impossible to miss, even from miles away. So, you can always see your destination . . . it's the getting there that is a bitch.
(5) Take the first spot. Don't bother driving around the parking lot looking for the "closest" parking spot. It doesn't exist. The cars that are in the first 12 spots are there permanently. They never move. They are display cars put there for marketing purposes only. You will never get a closer spot. Plus, you just wasted half an hour driving around the suburban perimeter of IKEA so take the first spot and get on with your life.
(6) Make a plan of attack but don't follow it. Have a general idea of the major item or items you are looking for and make sure you have measured carefully. However, do not fool yourself into thinking you will only get that one item. In fact, you may spend $200 and never even think of that item. For example, for the last 4 years I have wanted to get new curtains and shades for my bedroom. I have the measurements in my appointment book. In the last 4 years, I have probably been to IKEA 20 times. I still don't have new bedroom curtains. But I do have the rest of my house nearly completely decorated.
Once you enter the store, immediately pick up two catalogs, two measuring tapes, two pencils, and a cart. Believe me, you will need them. Why two catalogs? One to mail to a friend (I always mail one to my cousin in Denver who doesn't have an IKEA yet) and one to keep at home. And you will want to keep it at home. The IKEA catalog is like the bible, but better. I have every catalog from 1998 to 2009. I still look at them all. And no, you can't borrow them.
(7) Take a load off. I personally start every IKEA shopping trip with a meal, to get me in the Swedish mood. A sure thing is always the Swedish Meatballs, new potatoes, and lingonberry jam. Wash it down with a bottle of Kristian Regale and you are set for at least two hours of shopping. Plus, the restaurant is the only place in the store with windows, just in case you forget about the outside world.
(8) Follow directions. IKEA has the path of travel marked for you in every store. Don't try to circumvent their planning - you will get lost. And, when you take the escalator and you place your cart on the cart escalator . . . don't worry. You will get your cart back - no one else will take it. Seriously . . . you don't have to push people down the escalator stairs to get to the bottom before your cart does.
(9) Be prepared to wait. For a really long time in the checkout line. That's just the way IKEA is. Everything runs perfectly until the check out. So, bring a book or the latest New Yorker. Better yet, make friends with the other people in line.
Also - bring your debit card. If you use your debit card at IKEA, they will give you a coupon worth 3% of the total you spend that day. The coupon never expires and can be used at any time. Believe me, it adds up.
(10) You should take it with you. Be prepared to take all of your purchases with you that day. If they won't fit in your car, bring a bigger car. IKEA's shipping costs are extreme (part of the way they save you money is not to tie shipping costs into their furniture costs).
In the future, if you would like to bitch at me about how much you hate IKEA, you will be given the finger. No, not that finger . . . my index finger pointing to this blog post. If you haven't followed these directions and had a shitty time at IKEA, I don't want to hear it. You might have to face the fact that you are not IKEA material. Not everyone can be perfect.
But IKEA is not for the faint of heart or soul. IKEA isn't easy - it makes you work for the love. IKEA sets high expectations of its customers and, if you hate IKEA, you just haven't met these high expectations. So, I have compiled a list of 10 ways to survive and enjoy your IKEA shopping experience. How I am qualified to make such a list, you may ask? I have visited a total of five IKEA stores (Los Angeles, Seattle, Minneapolis, and both in Chicago) and have consistently shopped at the stores for the last 10 years. So, heed my advice. Or suffer the consequences.
(1) Some assembly required. If these three words scare you, stay away from IKEA. Please. We don't want your kind. I personally think assembling my own furniture is a challenge and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment every time I build another bookcase or dresser or chair or table. I like that most of the furniture comes flat-packed. That means that those of us who choose not to own giant SUVs or pick-up trucks can still carry furniture in our cars. I have been known to fit quite a bit of stuff in my little four-door sedan, with plenty of room for more.
(2) Only attend during weekday hours. I cannot tell you how important this tip is. Never, ever, never, ever go to IKEA on the weekend or on a holiday. I almost always go on a Thursday. If you go on the weekend or on a holiday (even worse, a Saturday between Thanksgiving and Christmas), you are asking to be crushed in the mass of people entering the door. During one trip, my dad commented, "There are more goddamn people in this store than lived in my home town." (Of course, his hometown only had about 300 people, but still . . . that's a lot of people in one store.)
If you do choose to disobey this rule, you will suffer the consequences. For every hour you spend in IKEA on a weekend or holiday, it will take you two hours to decompress and become non-homicidal toward the GP (that's the General Public for those who have never worked retail.) I have a suspicion that most road rage incidents are directly linked to spending time in IKEA on the weekends.
And here's another tip - you can never just "pop in" to IKEA. No one pops into IKEA. The IKEA experience is one to be savored and enjoyed. It's not Target, for crying outside.
(3) Never go with a spouse. I don't care who you are . . . if you go to IKEA with your spouse, you will have a fight. I have never seen a couple in IKEA who weren't either actively fighting or stomping around glaring at each other. I personally like to shop alone or with one or two selected friends. And, before shopping with a friend, you should agree on your IKEA strategy and philosophy. If you don't agree, don't go to IKEA together.
Furthermore, even though IKEA is one of the most kid-friendly stores I have ever seen, do not bring your children. They won't enjoy it and you will hate them by the end of the day. IKEA has a children's play area called Smaland, allegedly where kids can play while their parents shop. I have my doubts. I think Smaland is actually the portion of the store that sells children in flat-pack boxes. I really believe that is what happens to children who enter the store with their parents. The parents can trade them in for a really nice end table, depending on how cute they are. Some kids may be worth an entire bedroom set.
(4) Enjoy the drive. No matter how far away you live from IKEA or how far you have to drive, you cannot get there from here without taking at least one wrong turn. Every IKEA I have ever been to is located in suburban hell. You can always see IKEA from the major highway, but you can never get there directly. One ill-fated trip to the IKEA in Los Angeles had my cousin and I yelling "Look kids, it's BIG BEN" for nearly 45 minutes because we kept circling in on the building, but never quite getting there.
The good news is that IKEA stores are bright blue and yellow and are impossible to miss, even from miles away. So, you can always see your destination . . . it's the getting there that is a bitch.
(5) Take the first spot. Don't bother driving around the parking lot looking for the "closest" parking spot. It doesn't exist. The cars that are in the first 12 spots are there permanently. They never move. They are display cars put there for marketing purposes only. You will never get a closer spot. Plus, you just wasted half an hour driving around the suburban perimeter of IKEA so take the first spot and get on with your life.
(6) Make a plan of attack but don't follow it. Have a general idea of the major item or items you are looking for and make sure you have measured carefully. However, do not fool yourself into thinking you will only get that one item. In fact, you may spend $200 and never even think of that item. For example, for the last 4 years I have wanted to get new curtains and shades for my bedroom. I have the measurements in my appointment book. In the last 4 years, I have probably been to IKEA 20 times. I still don't have new bedroom curtains. But I do have the rest of my house nearly completely decorated.
Once you enter the store, immediately pick up two catalogs, two measuring tapes, two pencils, and a cart. Believe me, you will need them. Why two catalogs? One to mail to a friend (I always mail one to my cousin in Denver who doesn't have an IKEA yet) and one to keep at home. And you will want to keep it at home. The IKEA catalog is like the bible, but better. I have every catalog from 1998 to 2009. I still look at them all. And no, you can't borrow them.
(7) Take a load off. I personally start every IKEA shopping trip with a meal, to get me in the Swedish mood. A sure thing is always the Swedish Meatballs, new potatoes, and lingonberry jam. Wash it down with a bottle of Kristian Regale and you are set for at least two hours of shopping. Plus, the restaurant is the only place in the store with windows, just in case you forget about the outside world.
(8) Follow directions. IKEA has the path of travel marked for you in every store. Don't try to circumvent their planning - you will get lost. And, when you take the escalator and you place your cart on the cart escalator . . . don't worry. You will get your cart back - no one else will take it. Seriously . . . you don't have to push people down the escalator stairs to get to the bottom before your cart does.
(9) Be prepared to wait. For a really long time in the checkout line. That's just the way IKEA is. Everything runs perfectly until the check out. So, bring a book or the latest New Yorker. Better yet, make friends with the other people in line.
Also - bring your debit card. If you use your debit card at IKEA, they will give you a coupon worth 3% of the total you spend that day. The coupon never expires and can be used at any time. Believe me, it adds up.
(10) You should take it with you. Be prepared to take all of your purchases with you that day. If they won't fit in your car, bring a bigger car. IKEA's shipping costs are extreme (part of the way they save you money is not to tie shipping costs into their furniture costs).
In the future, if you would like to bitch at me about how much you hate IKEA, you will be given the finger. No, not that finger . . . my index finger pointing to this blog post. If you haven't followed these directions and had a shitty time at IKEA, I don't want to hear it. You might have to face the fact that you are not IKEA material. Not everyone can be perfect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
