Enough Knowledge to be Dangerous . . . or Stupid

When someone is naming something, it usually helps to know a little bit about the name you are giving that something. For instance, if you are going to name a bar "5th Amendment Bar & Grill," I would hope you had actually read the Fifth Amendment before purchasing the giant billboard signs.

Most people know the Fifth Amendment as in "I plead the Fifth!" But here is what the Fifth Amendment actually says:

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or other infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

In other words, the Fifth Amendment covers the right to be indicted by a grand jury, the protection against double jeopardy (being punished twice for the same offense), the protection against self-incrimination, the right to due process, and the right to just compensation for property taken for public use.

But how exactly does this apply to a grill and bar?

Perhaps the owner was referring to his right to be indicted by a grand jury when his burgers aren’t cooked to order. In this case, a "grand jury" means a pack of hungry drunk Bradley students late on a Friday night. Or maybe he was referring to his desire to be protected from the double jeopardy he is facing by opening yet another restaurant in this location where every other restaurant has failed miserably in the past few years. (Just a hint, Mr. Owner . . . it's a personal right, not tied to a specific location.)

Maybe the servers are asserting their rights against self-incrimination when asked what is in the "special sauce" after an outbreak of food-poisoning is linked to such special sauce. Perhaps every tab kept at the bar is guaranteed to be correct in accordance with the patrons’ due process rights. And just maybe customers have a right to just compensation when someone steals their bar stool while they are in the bathroom.

Who knows. But what I do know is that I bet the waitstaff is going to get really tired of asking for someone’s order and being told, "I plead the Fifth!" I bet that will still be really funny when the 1,000th drunk guy says it on a Saturday night.