The Standoff is Over

My cousin S and I have not spoken for a little more than a year. In some families, it may be normal to not talk to your cousins for that long. However, that is not so in my family. I only have six cousins, all of them are younger than I am. We are a pretty tight knit group, for the most part, but I have always been particularly close with S. She is the next oldest cousin after me and we grew up as almost sisters. She is three years younger than I am and only a year older than my brother.

As almost-sisters, we've had our share of ups and downs. During one whole-family visit at my grandparents' house when we were both under 10 years old, she accused me of stealing her blankie and retaliated by cutting off all of my Barbie doll's hair. When we were teenagers, she borrowed a book of mine and refused to mail it back to me. As it turned out, she refused to mail it back because she had lost it. Our relationship mirrored the relationship of our mothers, who are sisters, my mother is the oldest and her mother is the youngest.

But when I entered college, we became much closer, often spending many of our vacations together, despite the fact that I lived in the Midwest and she lived on the West Coast. We talked on the phone at least once a week. We jointly planned her wedding and I was her maid of honor. We talked about me moving to her city after law school and getting a job. That plan didn't really work out and things have been a little cooler between us since then.

Then, when my kids entered the picture, things really cooled off. S has always been jealous of some parts of my life she perceives as being "better" than her own. She often makes side comments about me making more money than her, which may be true now but has not always been true. She believes that the family looks down on her because she hasn't graduated from college and I have undergraduate and graduate degrees. (This may be true of our grandfather, but certainly no one else in the family.) But the kids were really the last straw, I think. She would really like to have kids but her husband always maintains it's not the right time. For this reason, I also think she envies my singlehood because I can make decisions without consulting a partner.

Jealousy cuts both ways. She may be envious of my higher paying job, but I am envious of her casual job which allows her flexible work days, casual work clothes, the ability to bring her dog to work, and working full time with her mother. She may be jealous of my education, but I am jealous of her lack of student loan payments. She may be envious of my children, but I am envious of her freedom from constant responsibility and her ability to leave her "child" (her dog) at home by himself.

Anyway, the current standoff started last year when our whole family gathered in the Pacific Northwest for my aunt's 60th birthday party. This event culminated in the infamous Dinner Party in the Woods fiasco. I won't rehash that disaster here, but it ended with me leaving the party early with my brother and his family. We were the only people who had young children and it was unbelievably inconvenient to be in the woods with them.

In prior family gatherings, S and I always make time to spend with each other, even if it is just a day together alone. We have often included our other female cousins, K and G, and the four of us have a great girls day. Well, it didn't really work out for me during that trip. We were only there for a few days and my parents really wanted to spend time with their grandchildren. So, I invited S, K, and G to come to our hotel and spend time with us, but they declined. They did something on their own.

I knew S was pissed at me the moment they decided to do something without me. I know her well enough to know she thought I was snubbing her. But I hoped she would understand how hard it is to juggle a six-month old who is off his schedule because he's in a different time zone, parents (who paid for the trip) wanting to spend time with me and my son, a nephew who I rarely get to see, a grandfather who was almost 89 and not in the best of health, an aunt (who is also my godmother) turning 60, an uncle who is dying of brain cancer, and more than 10 other relatives who want to see me. And fit all of that socializing into a four day visit.

Well, she didn't understand. Our birthdays are five days apart and occur at the end of the summer. Mine is first. I knew she was pissed when she didn't call on my birthday. I also got a clue when she didn't return my call on her birthday. I didn't hear from her at all during the fall and no word at Christmas (although she sent my parents a Christmas card). I knew she was pissed and I knew I would be the one who has to make the first step and apologize.

And I thought about her a lot. I missed her, but my stubbornness and crazy life got in the way of me calling her. After the holidays, I thought.

Then January hit. I added another child to my mix at the beginning of January. My son was hospitalized in February. I was in a terrible car accident in March. I had some horrible screwed up tax issues in April. My dishwasher crashed and burned in May, taking my entire kitchen with it. June wasn't so bad, and that is when I finally was able to get my soul and mind around dealing with my life. Well, life passes quickly, and I was sort of caught up in having a good time without the drama of the past 6 months. I just couldn't bring myself to face the drama of S.

Last night at 9:49 pm, my phone rang. The caller ID said it was S. When I answered it she said:

S: Look, I know we haven't spoken for a long time and . . . whatever . . . but I just got off the phone with G and she told me what happened with the car accident and every thing and I just wanted you to know I was sorry you were going through that.

Me: Well . . . thanks.

S: I just feel really bad that you were going through that and I didn't even know about it. There used to be a time when you told me everything that happened to you and now something like this happens and you don't even tell me. I mean, I just found out about tonight when G told me.*

Me: Thanks . . . again. I'm really OK now. It was not something I told everybody and since we hadn't spoken since the birthday party, I wasn't going to start our relationship again with that issue.

And then I asked her why we hadn't spoken for a year, even though I knew. I just wanted her to admit the reason. She did - she admitted she was mad at me for not spending time with her in July of last year. I apologized for my part in the standoff and said I wanted things to change between us because I missed her. I didn't get that much from her. But, at least we're talking again.

Why is only family that can play these games with me? If S were merely a friend, I wouldn't cave so easily, or let her back in so easily, or forgive her for being a selfish shit for the last 12 months.

*Although it is really beside the point, I know this is not true. S's mother, Aunt I, knew about the accident when it happened and I am sure Aunt I told S about it because Aunt I tells everything to everyone. If you want to send a message within my family, tell my Aunt I.