Tips for a Dinner Party in the Woods

There is one branch of my family that is much more "in tune" with nature than the rest of us. So, when they wanted to throw a party for my aunt's 60th birthday, they decided to do it in the woods. More specifically, they decided to have a five course dinner for 40 people on a primitive wild tree farm near Hurricane Ridge in Washington State. Here are a few tips I would give them, if they would ever listen to me.

First, just don't do it. It is a bad idea.

Second, if you must do a dinner for 40 people outside, make it outside food like grilled items and salads. Don't try to serve hot new potatoes (which were cooking in a small garbage can over open flame all night), herring, pork roast with prune stuffing, creamed spinach, gravad lax , rosehip soup, liverwurst, and Jansson's Temptation, among other things.

Third, don't invite elderly people to the party who can barely walk on flat ground, much less dirt paths. My grandfather is 89, his wife is 83, and there was another gentleman who was there who is 92. Seriously, people. To their credit, the elderly folks lasted longer than I did.

Fourth, consider a location with a working bathroom. Some people just don't like going potty in a make-shift outhouse using leaves for toilet paper. Or some people just won't go at all, making the party end prematurely early for them.

Fifth, consider your audience. Most of these people are not "woodsy" people. Being in the woods is enough of an experience. Eating woodsy food pushes the envelope. For example, cut the infamous "Oose Stew" from the menu. Oose stew was aptly named because it contains both moose and goose, hence "Oose." It is not funny . . . it is gross.

Sixth, warn guests ahead of time that the location is rustic and they will need warm layers, hats, and gloves. Tell guests it is very likely muddy, cold, buggy, and wet in the woods. Some people may not realize it gets down to 45 degrees at night in this part of the country. I packed summer clothes and had to make an emergency trip into town for a jacket, long pants, long sleeves, and socks. I also ruined my almost new tennis shoes walking on the mud path.

Seventh, provide a map and accurate directions to the location. The directions to the tree farm we were given were verbally given as "left, left, left, right." The road went from two-lane highway to a dirt two-wheel-rut path before we got to the tree farm. The road wasn't on the map, to say the least. And our rented Grand Marquis did not fair well in the mud.

Eighth, do not offer guests a trip to the sweat lodge as a form of entertainment. I am NOT crawling into a dirt sweat lodge naked in the middle of the woods with my family members. Or alone, for that matter. Never going to happen. Ever.

Ninth, if the invitation says the party starts at 3 pm, start the damn party at 3 pm. The guest of honor should not show up at 6:30 pm. The only entertainment (other than the outhouse and the sweat lodge) was drinking alcohol. The guest of honor was bringing most of the food, so we had three hours of only drinking. Yikes. I am surprised no one fell into the potty hole at the outhouse.

Tenth, don't try to show a family-pictures video slide show in the woods. It doesn't get dark this far north until 10 pm. The people who were left were freezing their asses off and not in the mood. Also, a row of trees does not make an adequate screen for video shows.

Not that I would know - I left the party with my son, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my two-year-old nephew at 7 pm. We couldn't take it anymore. My nephew kept wandering near the poison ivy and my son had six swelling bug bites on his bald head. On the way back to the hotel, my brother saw a french restaurant. We formulated a plan - the women went back to the hotel and put the boys to bed. My brother ordered take-out from the french restaurant. We had a wonderful meal of bay scallops, salmon en croute, rare fillet with crab sauce, three desserts, and a bottle of wonderful Shiraz stolen from the tree farm party.

So, I guess it ended well for us. My parents returned at 11 pm, cold and really pissed off.