(1) Apparently, when my Aunt I said she would pick me, Cousin S, and Uncle B up at the airport at 2:30, she actually meant that she would think about picking us up approximately any time in the afternoon of that day, not actually at 2:30. So, after waiting for Aunt I for an hour and a half, I called my parents to come to pick us up.
(2) Although I have only been to about five funerals in my lifetime, I have never been at one that lasted for three hours. There are very few people who are important enough to be memorialized for three hours in a church. I love ya, Uncle T, but that was excessive.
(3) Does anyone else think the church’s logo (or symbol? What do you call it when it is reproduced in giant brass on the wall at the front of the church?) looks like a stubby penis surrounded by a halo next to a giant crochet hook?
Or is it just because I was staring at it for three hours?
(4) Is it weird that everyone in my family (aside from my crazy Aunt J) didn’t recognize the person being talked about by all of the people memorializing him? Between hymns, about eight people got up to speak about my Uncle T’s "faith journey." Pretty much all of us thought he was an atheist who attended church to appease his naggy wife. What the fuck is a faith journey anyway?
(5) So, after the funeral, we all adjourned to the church basement for a luncheon. This luncheon consisted of Chinese food, lemonade, and cake. This might have been bearable if there had not been a simultaneous lutefisk luncheon for 100 people in the next room over. You know what doesn’t go together more than Chinese, lemonade, and cake? Lutefisk (which looks and tastes and smells like fish Jello), Chinese, lemonade, and cake.
(6) The burning of Viking ship happened without a hitch. Someone took a video of it, which I will try to get and post here. The ship was significantly scaled down and burned in the gas grill at the hotel. The hotel begrudgingly agreed to this but insisted, for safety reasons, that their manager be the one to light the ship on fire. Whatever. I’m pretty sure she just wanted to light a rubbing-alcohol filled Viking ship on fire.
(7) You know you are the presence of good Swedes when the first bottle of Aquavit is empty, much to Uncle B’s dismay, and an old family friend stands up and says, "Never fear!! I have an extra bottle in the car!" And she actually had two extra bottles.
(8) Did you know that there are three flights every day from Minneapolis to International Falls, Minnesota? I didn’t know there were enough people who lived in International Falls to justify flying there three times a year, much less three times a day.
(9) The Peoria Airport is very, very sad. So sad that it makes me feel like I’ve just flow into Bumblefuck Arkansas or something.
(10) Did you know that Illinois-American Water likes to play a little trick on people who have been out of state for a funeral by turning their water off while they are away? Oh, baby . . . there is nothing like coming home from a long, stressful family funeral and not being able to flush your toilet. And then being told you haven’t paid your water bill since January when you are sitting looking at your online bank statement which clearly indicates you paid your water bill every month for the last seven years.