A Proper Funeral

As I mentioned here, my Uncle T died in January after a battle with brain cancer. Our family convinced his wife to have a memorial service a few months after his death, so there was no funeral at the time he died. So, she scheduled it for March 28th. All fine and good.

As I mentioned here, my Aunt J has always been at odds with the rest of my family because of her religious beliefs. So, we knew that there was going to be some sort of church service involved. No problem. All of us respect her need to mourn the way she feels comfortable.

Of course, that doesn’t stop my family from planning multiple other "memorial" events during the weekend as well. For example, everyone in the family, except my Aunt J, are convening at 5 pm on Friday to drink. A lot. Then we are going out for dinner, just the family, and Aunt J is invited. I bet she won’t notice at all that the rest of us are shit-faced.

The religious service is at 10 am on Saturday and there is a reception at the church after the service (bring on the Jello molds, church ladies!!) There is a dinner on Saturday night either at my uncle’s favorite restaurant or at the hospice where he died. I don’t think I have to tell you which one I will NOT be attending.

The rest of the weekend is a mystery to me, as I am usually the last to know anything in my family. So, I called my cousin S on Friday afternoon to see what the plans were. Here’s the conversation:

Me: Hey. Do you know what else is happening over the weekend for T’s memorial service?

S: Did you hear about the Viking Ship?

Me: Um . . . no. What Viking Ship? (as an aside, I was once forced to march in a parade in full Swedish costume behind a giant Viking Ship float. Therefore, my voice probably had a wee bit of panic in it.)

S: Well, Uncle B and Uncle C decided they are going to build a replica of a Viking Ship out of wood, fill it with flammable materials, light it on fire, and launch it into Lake Calhoun.

Me: WHAT? Has anybody checked to see if it is legal to light a Viking ship on fire in a public place in Minneapolis? Because I’m thinking it’s probably not.

S: I don’t know . . . it wasn’t my idea. I guess they did it in Washington the day T died and it worked out fine.

Me: How big was the boat?

S: Well, in Washington it was only about six inches and made of cardboard. But B and C wanted to do it right so they have plans for a three foot long wooden boat. My dad was at Home Depot last night buying the wood.

Me: Has anyone considered the fact that Lake Calhoun might still be frozen in March? Or that it could catch something else on fire? Or that it’s not legal?

S: Probably not. How bad could it be?

Me: Oh . . . let’s see. I can see the headline now, "Mourning Swedish Family Burns Down ENTIRE Lake Calhoun Area in Ill-Fated Viking Funeral."

S: Well, good thing we have a lawyer in the family.

Me: Whatever. Is T going to be on the boat when this happens?

S: No. Mom and I are going to be making him into pottery after the memorial service.

Me: What???

S: Well, we thought it would be nice for people to have a keepsake, you know, like a little piece of T, so we are figuring out ways to make T into pottery. Right now, we are experimenting with Cosmo’s ashes and it’s going pretty good. (Cosmo is their dog that died a few years ago and was cremated.)

Me: Um . . . gross. I’m pretty sure I don’t want some T pottery. I’ll just stick with my existing memories, thanks.

So, there it is folks. The family crazy continues. And I can guarantee you that I will be standing as far away from that burning boat as possible so I can run when the cops come. I would hate to have to call into work on Monday morning and have to explain I was in jail for burning down a park in Minneapolis.

Of course, all of the men I mention this story to think it is a great idea. Some even suggested lighting the boat on fire by shooting flaming arrows at it. Clearly, these people have never met my family. We would set ourselves on fire before the boat.