20 Stupid Questions

I was trying to update my profile on Blogger today because I thought it might be a little boring. In the end, I came up with nothing new to say, but I was highly entertained by the "Random Question" portion of the profile. They are all so stupid, but funny in the stupid way that things are funny on Thursday afternoons. Here's the Q&A!

(1) You can whistle and steam can whistle, so why do you sing in the shower?

I don't sing in the shower. If I am ever in the bathroom by myself, I enjoy the sweet, sweet silence. Most of the time while I am in the shower, I have insanely repetitive conversations with my two year old about things such as shaving, washing, draining water, and soap.

(2) The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?

Umm . . . well, I have no direct answer to that question, since I don't remember the first time I had my shoes taken off. To my knowledge, I don't remember ever being surprised to still have a body part when said body part was removed from its covering. It's called object permanence, idiots.

(3) Describe the sound of a moist waffle falling onto a hot griddle.

First of all, a waffle does not make a sound when it falls onto a hot griddle because, if it is falling onto a hot griddle, it is not yet in the waffle stage of wafflehood. It is still waffle batter until the second after it hits the hot griddle and begins to cook. A "moist waffle" is a waffle that has too much syrup on it or that you have spilled milk on. And why would you drop an already cooked, but moist, waffle onto a hot griddle? In addition, you do not cook waffles on griddles. You cook waffles on waffle irons.

(4) Try making up the rules to a game where you tie knots in a yo-yo string just to see if you can get them out.

Rule 1 - tie knots in yo-yo string
Rule 2 - try to get knots out
Rule 3 - throw yo-yo away because you have destroyed it

The winner is the person who suggested you play different game.

(5) You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?

Most likely the fact that my father has never been to an amusement park in his life and certainly hasn't taken me to one. Plus, my father has some self-control. Now, if the question was "What will keep your dad from drinking your gin and tonic?" then we would have a problem.

(6) Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?

People, do your research. Foxes are members of the Canidae family not the Felidae family. In other words, they are dogs, not cats. That being said, I'm pretty sure my cat doesn't belong to a safety school unless you count the "Pure Luck" School of Safety.

(7) Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they're grown up?

One day, when they look around and find themselves surrounded by a filthy den, a shitload of hungry, dirty children, and a lion licking his balls.

(8) Your bow is not broken but you've run out of arrows? How can you fake being a bard?

Shove the bow down my pants. That's about the only way I'm going to become a bard.

(9) You forgot your mom's birthday!! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?

Give me a minute to draw up some plans. No, seriously. I once made the Sears Tower out of sugar cubes and frosting for a school project. (That's what happens when you don't tell your mom until Sunday night that you have a project due on Monday morning.) But, some kid in my class ate parts of it during the school day and it fell over. Plus, we didn't have enough food coloring to dye it black, so it was pretty lame.

(10) What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?

Wouldn't you like to know.

(11) If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?

When the high wore off.

(12) You have to dig a hole to China, where to you start?

Here.

(13) When you hesitate before hitting snooze on your alarm clock, are you being lazy?

Well, since my alarm clock is my 18-month old son, I think hitting him would constitute child abuse. However, I have been known to stumble into his room when he wakes up and grumble, "GO BACK TO SLEEP" in my meanest mommy voice. That usually scares him into another 15 minutes of silence.

So, lazy? No. I have to walk across the hall to say it!

(14) You've written a hit musical! How will you avoid having fame go to your head?

I think there are lots of people willing to help me with that. And, seriously . . . it's a hit musical. How long could the fame last?

(15) The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig.

Oh, you don't want to hear that story. That was one of the worst dates of my life. But, boy, was he good in bed.

(16) You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.

No. Some things are just too personal to reveal.

(17) If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying poop deck?

First, why avoid it?
Second, I laugh now when I say poop deck.

(18) Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?

Of course, I assume it would be a Captain Hook type hand replacement so I could have multiple rubber stamp options. My rubber stamps would say:

DENIED
TOP SECRET
FRIVOLOUS BULLSHIT
RETURN TO SENDER
and
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT. PLEASE USE IT.

(19) Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?

Duh. Plastic.

Or solid gold.

(20) Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?

Well . . . I'd definitely have to find another profession. The smell would be overwhelming.