The Trouble with Grapes

I had been planning all weekend to write a post about SpongeBob SquarePants being on packages of grapes. I did the research and found out TV characters are going to be put on all sorts of produce packaging soon - starting with SpongeBob on grapes. I planned a very good rant on this issue, but it seems someone has read my mind and caused all grapes and grape-related products to gang up on me.

First, SpongeBob grapes. This is all apparently a plan to make healthy foods more attractive to kids and will spread to lots of produce including grapes, carrots, lettuce, and celery. Probably I need to let it go and accept the fact that we live in a marketing-driven world and this is just the next step. One of my problems, however, is that I had no choice but to purchase the SpongeBob grapes - they were the only grapes available at the store. What if I didn't want to support SpongeBob? What if I didn't want my child to love SpongeBob? What if I am morally opposed to SpongeBob? Of course, none of these things are true. I just don't like being forced into buying a cartoon character product if I don't want to buy it.

In the end, I bought the grapes because I like grapes and they are a healthy snack. But my internal rant has caused grapes everywhere to seek to destroy me.

The night I bought the grapes, I had them with my dinner for dessert. Before I could eat them, I had to run downstairs to change a load of laundry. When I came back up, they were gone - stems and all. The only possible culprit was the dog. My son was in bed and the cat wouldn't touch grapes. Plus, the dog was sitting near the grapes trying not lick her chops. Great, but not a big deal, right? I just got another bunch from the fridge and reminded myself to keep them away from the dog.

Then, last night I decided to enjoy my favorite chardonnay - a Smith-Madrone. I opened the bottle, poured myself a glass and settled in on the couch to read a good book. The dog settled next to me. When I was few sips in, I wanted to adjust the air conditioning because it was blowing right on me. I placed the wineglass on the coffee table, reached up and shut the vent. As I was coming down, my skirt caught the wineglass and knocked it to the floor. The glass shattered on my bare feet and wine went everywhere.

So, I was standing there in a puddle of wine and broken glass. Lovely. I cleaned it all up and poured another glass and sat back down. The dog hadn't moved. After a few minutes of reading, I smell this horrible sulfur-like smell. Coming from the dog. Then I hear an audible fart and I am hit with another wave of dog gas. OH MY GOD! It was horrible - what did she eat? A dead bird? A dead rabbit?

No - it was the grapes. It was only when I read today's paper that I was told that grapes cause intestinal problems in dogs. No kidding. I will never mess with SpongeBob again.