Addendum to My Will

After reading about Leona Helmsley's will (leaving her dog, Trouble, $12 million but nothing to two of her grandchildren), I decided my will could use a little work. Granted, I don't have $12 million to leave to anyone, much less my dog, but I do have some very specific wishes that should be carried out, a la Leona Helmsley.

(1) Immediately after my death, I order that my house be sealed until such time as my best friend H can go through the house and get rid of any and all embarrassing items, including, but not limited to, diaries, clothes, videotapes, letters, photographs, books, and a certain box in the back of the closet. She knows which one I mean.

In exchange for H’s service in this manner, she gets all of my clothes, shoes, accessories, and coats. In particular, H must receive my black leather motorcycle jacket because, frankly, she’s the only one I know who will get any use out of it.

(2) I hereby bequeath to my Aunt J all of the ugly engraved and personalized gifts she has given me over the years. They are in the black plastic bag in the basement. Be assured, I just put them there yesterday - I swear they were in full display until yesterday. In addition, Aunt J gets my T-Shirt that says, "Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you’re an asshole." She'll know what I mean.

(3) I hereby bequeath to my Cousin S all of my jewelry, including those earrings she has coveted for years and our grandmother’s ring (which everyone thought was lost). I require Cousin S to wear at least one item of my jewelry every day for the next ten years. In addition, every time she puts my jewelry on, she must sing "Swinging on a Star." All verses, complete with the dance we made up on the night before her wedding.

(4) I hereby bequeath to my brother B custody of my cat. He already has three cats so one more won’t really make a difference. I provide a yearly stipend of $250 to cover additional toilet paper costs.

(5) I hereby bequeath to my cousin G custody of my dog. Sorry, no stipend available. Your only reward is the love and company of a 100 pound yellow lab who thinks she is a lap dog.

(6) Every year on my birthday, I require at least one of my relatives to visit my grave and bring three bottles of champagne (actual champagne, not "sparkling wine," valued at least $50 per bottle). One bottle must be poured on my grave. The second bottle must be consumed by the relative or relatives at the gravesite. The third bottle must be left at the grave for the first lucky homeless person to pass by. I have provided $500 per year to complete this task.

(7) And to all those people who have pissed me off over the years (you know who you are), I leave nothing, zero, zip, nada, $0. You all know why.