Begging by Invitation

Over the weekend, I received an invitation to a baby shower. This is fairly common these days - for a while, I got a wedding invitation every weekend. After weddings come babies. I actually kind of like baby showers, mostly because I kick ass at the babyfood tasting game. It used to really piss off the mommies at a shower when I was a non-mommy because I won every time.

Anyway, this particular baby shower invitation really bothered me because it was crytal clear that I had only been invited so I would send a gift. The mommy-to-be is the daughter of friends of my parents. She and I were close when we were kids because our parents spent a lot of time together. She and I spent countless hours upstairs playing Barbie while our parents partied downstairs. We grew apart as teenagers and really haven't been close since we were about 13.

Here's the thing. We really aren't close; we don't even exchange Christmas cards. I didn't go to her wedding, although she sent an invitation to that as well. I didn't invite her to my baby shower. And . . . the shower is in GEORGIA. In two weeks. So, why was I invited? My theory - so I will purchase a gift from her registry and send it to her. Begging for Gifts by Invitation.

This is a scheme that I became hip to right after law school. Right after we graduated, a lot of people got married (probably because a lot of them got divorced during law school). I got invited to so many weddings, I was double booked most weekends. And most of these weddings were of people I barely knew. Maybe I talked to them a few times in my evidence class, or we talked once or twice in the law library. But, still, I felt obligated to go to the wedding and bring a gift, or, if I couldn't go to the wedding, send a gift. (One woman even registered for a BMW convertible, which I am pretty sure was a joke, maybe.)

So, after almost bankrupting myself to buy gifts, it dawned on me that these people didn't care if I came to their wedding - they just wanted the gift. Right then and there, I decided there had to be a way to combat this trend. Not giving a gift is one way; probably the easier, cheaper way. But, there was little satisfaction in simply ripping up the invitation and throwing it away. No one learned any lessons from that solution.

In time, I developed the perfect Begging by Invitation solution - don't go to the wedding but send a permanently engraved gift that is not on their registry. There is a considerable amount of skill involved in this task. The reason you have it engraved is that they can't donate it to charity. Put as much personal information on it as possible. You have to spend just the right amount of money. If you spend too little, they don't care and just toss the cheap gift. If you spend too much money, you look like a fool. The gift also has to be the right kind of gaudy. Too gaudy means your taste will be questioned. Not gaudy enough and you run the risk they will actually appreciate the gift you have given.

For weddings, I have found that silver-plate trays work well. They can be pretty gaudy, but are traditionally considered tasteful for weddings. Also, if I ever actually go to the couple's house, I can ask "Oh, these cookies would look fabulous on that tray I gave you for your wedding!" so I can confirm they haven't thrown it out. Or, if they have, make them feel bad. And, the added bonus is that they might have to polish it!

For baby showers, I have two options. If I sort-of like the person, I will give a silver-plate engraved baby rattle. Something they feel they have to keep as a "keepsake" but has little to no purpose. If I really don't like the person, I go with personalized cutesy ceramic items, such as baby booty planters or picture frames. Throw on a couple of Precious Moments figures, and . . . viola . . . lesson learned.

So, if you ever get an engraved gift from me . . . I hope you learn your lesson.