The In-Law is Coming!

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I only have one in-law, my sister-in-law. But, visits from my sister-in-law rival old wives tales of horrid mothers-in-law coming to visit and cleaning out your closets or rearranging your kitchen. Except she never does anything that useful. Here's the thing with my sister-in-law. She and my brother started dating more than 10 years ago. They have been married for eight years. In other words, she has had approximately the last 10 years to warm up to my family and she just won't do it.

Granted, we are a tightly knit foursome, my parents, my brother and I. I can see that it would be difficult to get a word in edgewise with us. But I firmly believe she has never tried to be a full member of our family. In fact, she once accused my parents of trying to "assimilate" her into the family. I think they asked her what Christmas traditions her family celebrated so we could include them in her first Christmas with us. That's horrible, isn't it? She also made it clear early on that she did not want to give or receive hugs when arriving at family get-togethers. So, the rest of us all hug, and she stands on the sidelines.

There have been family visits in the past, such as long weekends or holidays, where my sister-in-law has said no more than 15 words the entire time. If you ask her a question, it is usually answered with one word. For Christmas one year, she brought a chess book and a chess set and played sample chess games by herself the whole time. She didn't even ask one of us to play with her. Not that I would have, since I suck at chess, but still . . . .

Anyway, everyone is coming next weekend to celebrate my birthday. I have a rather small house and I decided I couldn't house my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my two year old nephew in my house with me, my son, the dog, and the cat. Therefore, I made reservations at a nearby hotel for everyone. I thought this arrangement would be acceptable since when we all visit my brother's house, we all stay in a hotel - we never stay at their house.

However, on this past Friday night, my brother called me and announced that he, my sister-in-law, and my nephew would be staying at my house this coming weekend rather than staying in the hotel. The reason? Because they didn't want to have to wake their son to take him to the hotel at the end of each night. (He goes to bed at 7:00 and we usually will put the kids to bed where ever we are and then eat dinner.)

I said that wasn't going to work for me and he hung up. Keep in mind, I could make it work. We would be tight and getting on each other's nerves (more than usual) but it could work. But here's my problem. My house is relatively the same size as their house. Last year for Christmas, we were all at their house. When I asked if my son and I could stay at their house instead of the hotel for the same reason (so I wouldn't have to wake him up), sister-in-law said NO. So, I stayed at a hotel along with my parents. When I pointed it out to my brother in an email this weekend, he said, "But your son is really good about being moved. He doesn't mind. My son is not good at being moved, he cries."

Well, god forbid the kid might cry for a few minutes. Interestingly, this is the reason they refuse to drive to see either me or my parents (we all live about four hours away from each other). They always fly. Because my nephew cries when he is in the car. Actually, they tried the trip once when he was about four months old and I guess he cried for awhile in the car. So now they refuse to go anywhere in the car with him for more than half an hour.

I say, get over it. Kids cry. Eventually, they fall asleep. I don't understand why this is an excuse for them and not for me. I travel to see them and my parents all the time by car. Sure, sometimes my son cries, but I try to plan the trip around his nap schedule. I don't demand my family only come to me because he might cry for a while in the car.

In secret, my parents and I often wish my brother would come visit without my sister-in-law. There is no tension, everyone has fun, we are all relaxed, there are no disapproving rules or comments made. But, it's not right. For 10 years now we have been repeating the same mantra, "She is part of our family, like it or not, and we will treat her like part of our family."

It's just really, really hard sometimes.